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The Rabbit Hole
*Trigger Warning: Vivid language about suicide, self-harm To love my husband, Jesse, is to love the wind. His mood moves and shifts depending on the day, the season, the time, the weather, the food he’s eaten that day. Once you think you know which way he’s blowing, he blows another way. Once you think you’ve grasped him, he slips through your fingers. Once you think you have him pinned, he melts through the wall. He is a creature who is deeply influenced by his environment, yet never seems to conform completely to his surroundings. To meet him is to meet something that’s never been quite of this world. I think…
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You never know just how quickly everything can change for you.
May 2018, my husband graduated with a degree in physics. We went to Disney World to celebrate. June 2018, we moved back to Panama City so I could finish my own degree in peace. October 2018, my life came crashing down around me in the form of a thousand-year storm. October 2018, I fled my wrecked home with all I could fit in my car. October 2018, I thought the worst thing that would ever happen to me had happened. November 2018, my husband was lost to his mind. I lived with a stranger for 18 months while he tried to hang on for dear life. January 2019, I thought…
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“What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?”
I’m reminded today of a story that is canon for the Jesse and Sandi saga. Haha. One day when we were dating in high school, I was waiting on Jesse to come out of his digital design elective. When he walked out of the classroom, he looked deep in thought so I asked him what was the matter. He sighed. “What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?” I thought this was a strange question. At the time, both Jesse and I wanted to be traveling ministers. You know, go to churches, preach, do the music, etc. “I’ve never heard you express interest,” I said. “You hate trigonometry and you’ve never…
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It’s nice to know how you work best. Because then you can give the world your best.
My therapist legitimately gave me this recommendation: “Maybe you should take your car, park it somewhere nice and use the hotspot on your phone to do your business.” I think she knows this lack of quiet alone time is getting to meeeeeeeee. We had a long conversation at my appointment this week about how I’ve worked really hard to create a life where I’m working out of where my energy flows. The truth is, I need 6-7 hours of alone time a day to feel like myself. I’m an internal processor. People think introverts don’t like being around people, but that’s really not always the case. I just need a…
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I had rarely ever seen my son look so defeated.
I sat beside my son as he cried large drops of tears. Leaning my head against the wall, I shifted one leg up and rolled my head sideways to look at him. He stared off toward the skating rink, where most of the Kindergarteners on our field trip were crawling on their hands and knees “skating.” “I want to go home,” Judah said. “No,” I answered. “Please, can I take my skates off?” Each word was punctuated with a sob. “No,” I sighed. “But you can try rollerblades if you’d like, instead of quads.” “I can’t skate,” Judah cried. “Son, you have no idea if you can skate or not.”…
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Sort of like a “hello darkness my old friend” kind of scenario.
“So, how are you?” My therapist asks. “I’m alright. I can’t help but see the parallels. I’m getting some tension headaches.” She nods. “The whole country is, on a level, going through what I went through in 2018. And I’m watching it happen like a movie.” “That has to be bringing up some memories.” “It does. It really does.” “You’ve gone through a lot in these past few years. It has to be difficult seeing something like it, on that big scale, happening again.” “I feel well acquainted with grief at this point. You can see it on everyone’s face, you can read it in their Facebook posts, you can…
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You are the most good we can hope to be in the world.
It’s another day of caring when you can’t seem to muster up an ounce more of care. You’re tired and weary, but there isn’t anyone you can call to take over. So you get up with your alarm and begin your shift that you’re not sure will ever end. You’re a caregiver. But maybe not only a caregiver, which is a fulltime job in itself. You probably have a job on top of all the caring you do so you can pay your way through the caregiving, as nearly 60% of caregivers work outside the home. Caregiving is often unpaid and goes unnoticed. But it is there. It is there…
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Maybe one more drink
"Maybe just one more drink," I said. "One more should do it." I was having pain in my chest, a tightening that made me hunch over like I was carrying a heavy burden on my back. My mind wouldn't stop racing long enough for me to read a book or watch a movie. So I sat there on the edge of my bed with a glass of wine in my hand. The kids were long in bed, my husband softly breathing in the space of bed next to me and still I couldn't sleep.
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People don’t stop telling you how to be or who to be.
Home is an important place. It’s where we go to find shelter from the world. While physical homes are what most people think of, I’ve spent many years cultivating a “mental home.” There was a time when I felt like I didn’t have a voice. I was always being told what to do and didn’t have a say in who I was or how I could move through the world. But there’s a place you can go inside your mind that is entirely your own, and no one can take that place from you. I visited this place often, anytime the world didn’t seem worth living in. I built up…
- blog, history, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, personal development, short story, trauma, Uncategorized
It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow….
“You want to go to a tree farm in the middle of Alabama?” “Yes,” I replied to my husband. “I need to get out of here and I need to be around trees. Lots of trees.” “And the trees needed to be in … Alabama?” “The trees needed to be within a three hour radius.” “I see,” he sighed, resigned. We pulled up to the colonial home we would be staying in for three days. A large wrap around porch greeted us with porch swings and rocking chairs, the kind of porch you can watch a thunderstorm on and not get wet. The home was surrounded by two ponds and…
