- blog, history, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, personal development, short story, trauma, Uncategorized
There is no greater pain.
I’ve seen Death around every corner lately, as a phantom out of the side of my eye, as a stalker just around the bend, as a wisp of wind floating in on a summer storm, beating down in sheets of rain. He slinks in, his black coat trailing behind him, prowling around the edges of my consciousness, reminding me of his presence. He was there in the car as we road to the funeral home to lay my husband’s aunt to rest. “I hate funerals,” my husband said that morning. “I’m not really sure if there’s a person alive who likes them,” I replied. “She’s going to make me speak.”…
- blog, history, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, personal development, short story, trauma, Uncategorized
You’re my Gift to the World
Dear kids, You are always in my heart, but today you’re heavily on my mind. The world seems to have descended into madness, but it has a habit of doing that at least once a generation. Your mom and dad have been through it. It seems like ever since we met all those years ago, something in the universe clicked into place and we were sent in forward motion, spiraling out of control towards some end we don’t know. Your dad, he will forever be rough like sandpaper. He doesn’t realize it most of the time, but his presence in the world is like a magnet. His name, Jesse, means…
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Well, thank you for worrying about me
I went kayaking last night about 7. Sun doesn’t set until 8. It’s the only time when it’s not oppressively hot in the summer. I’ve got loading and unloading down to a science now. And it was perfect conditions. I put in the boat at Kinsaul Park. This is a place where lots of people like to park and watch the sunset since it’s a wide-open sky over the water towards the west. I head out to my favorite spot and just sit there, singing and listening to the soft crash of the waves. It’s the only place I truly feel completely alone. Just before sunset, I hear a familiar…
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Love is still the answer for the pain in the world today.
Physics is something I consider incredibly difficult to understand or even care about really. But it’s become a daily part of my life for the past several years. You see, my husband has a Bachelors in Physics and starts his Masters program in a couple months. At first, he wanted to be a medical doctor. It made sense because he was working as a medic at the time. When he told me he wanted to be a doctor I remember thinking, “Well. That means I’m going to have to go back to school to at least complete my Associates.” And I did. Then he decided to switch his major to…
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You know I don’t like being rained on!
“I found a massive dead rat in the shed,” my husband said by way of greeting. Jesse stood in the doorway leading to our backyard, his black hair wet with humidity and sweat. “That’s disgusting.” I crinkled my nose. “Come look at it.” He gestured behind him. “Absolutely not!” “Please!” “No!” I stood up from my work at the table and walked to the kitchen. “Remember when you worked at the Mill and you sent me a text of that mouse caught in the trap! I’m scarred for life!” “Yeah.” Jesse laughed. “That was before trigger warnings. Well, come help me anyway. It’s about to rain.” “No it isn’t.” Jesse…
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This is just temporary, so don’t judge me.
“She’s chatty,” said Jesse. He was referring to our waitress who seemed to be holding a conversation with everyone in the room between sweet tea refills. I looked up from my coffee and turned my attention to her as she served the table next to us. “ … I have four kids,” I heard her say. “All we could do was board up the windows.” The waitress turned to me and smiled brightly before chatting to me about my kids. I hadn’t seen her at the establishment before, but it seems like everyone has new hires these days. “I’ll be right out with your food.” She ended the small talk…
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You never know just how quickly everything can change for you.
May 2018, my husband graduated with a degree in physics. We went to Disney World to celebrate. June 2018, we moved back to Panama City so I could finish my own degree in peace. October 2018, my life came crashing down around me in the form of a thousand-year storm. October 2018, I fled my wrecked home with all I could fit in my car. October 2018, I thought the worst thing that would ever happen to me had happened. November 2018, my husband was lost to his mind. I lived with a stranger for 18 months while he tried to hang on for dear life. January 2019, I thought…
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“What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?”
I’m reminded today of a story that is canon for the Jesse and Sandi saga. Haha. One day when we were dating in high school, I was waiting on Jesse to come out of his digital design elective. When he walked out of the classroom, he looked deep in thought so I asked him what was the matter. He sighed. “What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?” I thought this was a strange question. At the time, both Jesse and I wanted to be traveling ministers. You know, go to churches, preach, do the music, etc. “I’ve never heard you express interest,” I said. “You hate trigonometry and you’ve never…
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You are the most good we can hope to be in the world.
It’s another day of caring when you can’t seem to muster up an ounce more of care. You’re tired and weary, but there isn’t anyone you can call to take over. So you get up with your alarm and begin your shift that you’re not sure will ever end. You’re a caregiver. But maybe not only a caregiver, which is a fulltime job in itself. You probably have a job on top of all the caring you do so you can pay your way through the caregiving, as nearly 60% of caregivers work outside the home. Caregiving is often unpaid and goes unnoticed. But it is there. It is there…
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Maybe one more drink
"Maybe just one more drink," I said. "One more should do it." I was having pain in my chest, a tightening that made me hunch over like I was carrying a heavy burden on my back. My mind wouldn't stop racing long enough for me to read a book or watch a movie. So I sat there on the edge of my bed with a glass of wine in my hand. The kids were long in bed, my husband softly breathing in the space of bed next to me and still I couldn't sleep.
