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This is Not the End of the Story! It Won’t Always be Like This.
What does a “new normal” mean? I remember after the hurricane, there came a point where I was tired, exhausted and just couldn’t go on. I was “done.” Speaking with my therapist the other day, she explained to me that many of her clients have reached the point of being “done” with the pandemic. And I was reminded of how I felt like that several months after the hurricane. It had been MONTHS and months and months of disaster recovery… and I couldn’t do it anymore. But you can’t actually be done. The crisis is still present. You can’t simply be done with it. So what does it mean to…
- blog, history, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, personal development, short story, trauma, Uncategorized
There is no greater pain.
I’ve seen Death around every corner lately, as a phantom out of the side of my eye, as a stalker just around the bend, as a wisp of wind floating in on a summer storm, beating down in sheets of rain. He slinks in, his black coat trailing behind him, prowling around the edges of my consciousness, reminding me of his presence. He was there in the car as we road to the funeral home to lay my husband’s aunt to rest. “I hate funerals,” my husband said that morning. “I’m not really sure if there’s a person alive who likes them,” I replied. “She’s going to make me speak.”…
- blog, history, lifestyle, mental health, parenting, personal development, short story, trauma, Uncategorized
You’re my Gift to the World
Dear kids, You are always in my heart, but today you’re heavily on my mind. The world seems to have descended into madness, but it has a habit of doing that at least once a generation. Your mom and dad have been through it. It seems like ever since we met all those years ago, something in the universe clicked into place and we were sent in forward motion, spiraling out of control towards some end we don’t know. Your dad, he will forever be rough like sandpaper. He doesn’t realize it most of the time, but his presence in the world is like a magnet. His name, Jesse, means…
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Love is still the answer for the pain in the world today.
Physics is something I consider incredibly difficult to understand or even care about really. But it’s become a daily part of my life for the past several years. You see, my husband has a Bachelors in Physics and starts his Masters program in a couple months. At first, he wanted to be a medical doctor. It made sense because he was working as a medic at the time. When he told me he wanted to be a doctor I remember thinking, “Well. That means I’m going to have to go back to school to at least complete my Associates.” And I did. Then he decided to switch his major to…
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This is just temporary, so don’t judge me.
“She’s chatty,” said Jesse. He was referring to our waitress who seemed to be holding a conversation with everyone in the room between sweet tea refills. I looked up from my coffee and turned my attention to her as she served the table next to us. “ … I have four kids,” I heard her say. “All we could do was board up the windows.” The waitress turned to me and smiled brightly before chatting to me about my kids. I hadn’t seen her at the establishment before, but it seems like everyone has new hires these days. “I’ll be right out with your food.” She ended the small talk…
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You never know just how quickly everything can change for you.
May 2018, my husband graduated with a degree in physics. We went to Disney World to celebrate. June 2018, we moved back to Panama City so I could finish my own degree in peace. October 2018, my life came crashing down around me in the form of a thousand-year storm. October 2018, I fled my wrecked home with all I could fit in my car. October 2018, I thought the worst thing that would ever happen to me had happened. November 2018, my husband was lost to his mind. I lived with a stranger for 18 months while he tried to hang on for dear life. January 2019, I thought…
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“What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?”
I’m reminded today of a story that is canon for the Jesse and Sandi saga. Haha. One day when we were dating in high school, I was waiting on Jesse to come out of his digital design elective. When he walked out of the classroom, he looked deep in thought so I asked him what was the matter. He sighed. “What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?” I thought this was a strange question. At the time, both Jesse and I wanted to be traveling ministers. You know, go to churches, preach, do the music, etc. “I’ve never heard you express interest,” I said. “You hate trigonometry and you’ve never…
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It’s nice to know how you work best. Because then you can give the world your best.
My therapist legitimately gave me this recommendation: “Maybe you should take your car, park it somewhere nice and use the hotspot on your phone to do your business.” I think she knows this lack of quiet alone time is getting to meeeeeeeee. We had a long conversation at my appointment this week about how I’ve worked really hard to create a life where I’m working out of where my energy flows. The truth is, I need 6-7 hours of alone time a day to feel like myself. I’m an internal processor. People think introverts don’t like being around people, but that’s really not always the case. I just need a…
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Sort of like a “hello darkness my old friend” kind of scenario.
“So, how are you?” My therapist asks. “I’m alright. I can’t help but see the parallels. I’m getting some tension headaches.” She nods. “The whole country is, on a level, going through what I went through in 2018. And I’m watching it happen like a movie.” “That has to be bringing up some memories.” “It does. It really does.” “You’ve gone through a lot in these past few years. It has to be difficult seeing something like it, on that big scale, happening again.” “I feel well acquainted with grief at this point. You can see it on everyone’s face, you can read it in their Facebook posts, you can…
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You are the most good we can hope to be in the world.
It’s another day of caring when you can’t seem to muster up an ounce more of care. You’re tired and weary, but there isn’t anyone you can call to take over. So you get up with your alarm and begin your shift that you’re not sure will ever end. You’re a caregiver. But maybe not only a caregiver, which is a fulltime job in itself. You probably have a job on top of all the caring you do so you can pay your way through the caregiving, as nearly 60% of caregivers work outside the home. Caregiving is often unpaid and goes unnoticed. But it is there. It is there…
