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The Rabbit Hole
*Trigger Warning: Vivid language about suicide, self-harm To love my husband, Jesse, is to love the wind. His mood moves and shifts depending on the day, the season, the time, the weather, the food he’s eaten that day. Once you think you know which way he’s blowing, he blows another way. Once you think you’ve grasped him, he slips through your fingers. Once you think you have him pinned, he melts through the wall. He is a creature who is deeply influenced by his environment, yet never seems to conform completely to his surroundings. To meet him is to meet something that’s never been quite of this world. I think…
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You never know just how quickly everything can change for you.
May 2018, my husband graduated with a degree in physics. We went to Disney World to celebrate. June 2018, we moved back to Panama City so I could finish my own degree in peace. October 2018, my life came crashing down around me in the form of a thousand-year storm. October 2018, I fled my wrecked home with all I could fit in my car. October 2018, I thought the worst thing that would ever happen to me had happened. November 2018, my husband was lost to his mind. I lived with a stranger for 18 months while he tried to hang on for dear life. January 2019, I thought…
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“What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?”
I’m reminded today of a story that is canon for the Jesse and Sandi saga. Haha. One day when we were dating in high school, I was waiting on Jesse to come out of his digital design elective. When he walked out of the classroom, he looked deep in thought so I asked him what was the matter. He sighed. “What if I wanted to be a theoretical physicist?” I thought this was a strange question. At the time, both Jesse and I wanted to be traveling ministers. You know, go to churches, preach, do the music, etc. “I’ve never heard you express interest,” I said. “You hate trigonometry and you’ve never…
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It’s nice to know how you work best. Because then you can give the world your best.
My therapist legitimately gave me this recommendation: “Maybe you should take your car, park it somewhere nice and use the hotspot on your phone to do your business.” I think she knows this lack of quiet alone time is getting to meeeeeeeee. We had a long conversation at my appointment this week about how I’ve worked really hard to create a life where I’m working out of where my energy flows. The truth is, I need 6-7 hours of alone time a day to feel like myself. I’m an internal processor. People think introverts don’t like being around people, but that’s really not always the case. I just need a…
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I had rarely ever seen my son look so defeated.
I sat beside my son as he cried large drops of tears. Leaning my head against the wall, I shifted one leg up and rolled my head sideways to look at him. He stared off toward the skating rink, where most of the Kindergarteners on our field trip were crawling on their hands and knees “skating.” “I want to go home,” Judah said. “No,” I answered. “Please, can I take my skates off?” Each word was punctuated with a sob. “No,” I sighed. “But you can try rollerblades if you’d like, instead of quads.” “I can’t skate,” Judah cried. “Son, you have no idea if you can skate or not.”…
